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Author: Subject: The Roast of the 2106 Lumber Co.
lumbercompany27
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posted on 6-17-2013 at 01:44 AM Edit Post Reply With Quote
The Roast of the 2106 Lumber Co.

This is not meant to play off of that superstition that if you yell at ABE, your team will get its act together. The ship has already sailed on this season.

Time to release the pent-up frustration that has been building all throughout the most disappointing season I may have ever had. If you enjoy seeing me unhappy, you'll probably enjoy this.

First off all, if your name is Deacon Barnes, Cregg Carton, Mo Rosa, or Scott Masters, you can leave the room.

People, our World Series window may be closing. The pitching staff that's carried us for a decade is getting old. It's important to not squander a single season. So with that in mind, how the censored do you explain the 162-game offensive disgrace that I was forced to witness over the course of the past 20 days?

Let's start with first base. I had about six options to play at first this season and YOU ALL SUCKED.

Billy Marbet. You hit .309 last season and suffered pretty minimal declines. How do you explain the fact that you essentially took a giant dump in the batter's box 306 times? Tell ABE not to bother deteriorating your skills this offseason, since there apparently aren't any censored left.

So, when it was obvious that Marbet had checked out for the season, I decided to give 30 year-old rookie Dougie Allen his long-awaited shot. And guess what, Dougie? You sucked censored too. Your .648 OPS was somehow even lower than Marbet's. This is why you didn't have a job in the majors for a decade, you schmuck.

I could have given Will Diehl a chance, but HAHAHAHAHAHA no I couldn't of because he blows.

Since Marbet is such a censored butcher at first anyway, I might as well play someone out of position at first if it means they'll get a hit more than once every 40 damn trips to the plate. So I tried ageless wonder Sadie Standridge, and holy censored were you a censored disaster. .683 OPS after hitting .298 last season. You're one of my favorite players ever, which is why it pains me to say that YOU FAILED ME SADIE, AND YOU HAVE A GIRL'S NAME.

PaBLOW Sanchez, you were a guy I needed to step up in the wake of all of this suckitude, and you responded by serving up a big ol' slice of Meh Pie. I look forward to being even more underwhelmed next season when you're even worse.

The Moose, you're now in Year 3 of a steady and rapid decline in offensive production. That's perfectly normal for a 36 year-old. Too bad you're censored twenty censored eight censored .

John Shallix, HOL-EEE censored . I had coveted you since the year you were drafted. I finally traded for you a few season ago when I was in need of an infielder who could hit. You had a great debut season, then figured "eh, that'll do" and totally censored phoned it in for two years. I didn't pay a first rounder plus prospects for 450 at bats you dickhead.

Finally, I got someone to trade for your underperforming, overrated ass. I shipped you up to Boston (woah-oh-ohhhh) and got rid of you once and for all. And then, since I'm such a genius, what did I do? I TRADED FOR YOU AGAIN. All of my third basemen were doing precisely jack censored , and you gave me a chance to jettison another magnificent censored disappointment from my team (bon voyage, Thurston Howell), so I figured "how much worse could he be?" Even if you performed at the mediocre level that caused me to trade you in the first place, you would have been an improvement.

YOU HIT .199. THE MEDOZA LINE, JOHN. YOU'RE B+/A+/A-/A YOU UNBELIEVABLE WASTE OF RED LETTER GRADES.

Oh, and who did I trade you for? Lee Barnes? A+ power and you barely posted a SLG over .400? You had 128 strikeouts and 131 hits. JESUS CHRIST.

JEFF RANDALL. You were my knight in shining armor. I landed a third baseman who would save my inexplicably shitty offense. I finally had a corner infield who wou-

Jeff Randall of the San Diego Lumber Company is injured and is expected to be out 30 days.

censored censored censored censored YOU censored censored censored censored FRAGILE PIECE OF censored

It's okay, though. You'll be back in time for the playoffs...which thanks to you, we'll be censored WATCHING ON TV.

Once in a while, we scored more than 3 runs, maybe by accident. In these cases, unless it was a Carton start that was closed out by Masters, the pitching staff probably censored blew it.

Lew Barberini. You were having an amazing season. Then, I blinked and you took a dump all over our September playoff "run."

Hank Bishop, you declined ONCE and your ERA jumped more than a whole run? I can't wait for next year!

Terry MacMillan, I can't rub trading for you in my brother's face when you're putting up WHIPs over 1.40.

Gabby Torres. 8 censored losses, and I swear that 7 of them came in the last 2 weeks of the season.

You know what? Why limit my rage to the major leagues? Hey Pat Williams, in case you haven't noticed, this team couldn't score in a whorehouse. We could use an infusion of young offensive talent. So how in the holy mother of censored do you justify 2 CvR improves and NO PvR improves? What are you doing down there in the minors, anyway? Playing censored checkers in the clubhouse during games?

David Peterson: HURRY.

And you know what the pathetic thing is? Even with all of you guys SUCKING, we were still in it. We won 11 straight. We held a playoff spot for a solid month. And then........(insert sound effect of something falling off a cliff).

We played CHICAGO in games 133-5. They are TRYING TO LOSE. Against everyone else in the NL, THEY DO IT VERY WELL.

WE GOT SWEPT AND LOST THE PLAYOFF SPOT FOR GOOD. I offer this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2rFBWL2wfaw

Replace "Mets" with "San Diego Piece of censored Lumber Company," replace "Terry Collins" with me, the schmuck who pays money to manage these shitbums, replace the Rockies with the Daymans, and replace Murphy/Thole/whoever with any of my awful players from this season.

In closing, censored ALL Y'ALL.

I feel better. Good luck to everyone next season.





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alecansky74
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posted on 6-17-2013 at 05:05 AM Edit Post Reply With Quote
I enjoyed this....

Alec





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SxSnts9
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posted on 6-17-2013 at 04:36 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
Trust me, I was even more upset that I swept you.

And I prefer 'attempting to develop youth' over 'trying to lose'. :-D





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lumbercompany27
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posted on 6-17-2013 at 10:45 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
Quote:
Originally posted by alecansky74
I enjoyed this....

Alec


haha You were my target audience.





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lumbercompany27
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posted on 6-17-2013 at 10:46 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
Quote:
Originally posted by SxSnts9
Trust me, I was even more upset that I swept you.

And I prefer 'attempting to develop youth' over 'trying to lose'. :-D


And I prefer trading for guys who can last more than 2 weeks without getting hurt. Thanks a bunch for that!





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alecansky74
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posted on 6-17-2013 at 11:11 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
I also enjoyed... THIS





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lumbercompany27
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posted on 6-18-2013 at 04:39 AM Edit Post Reply With Quote
Not nearly as much as I enjoyed THIS.





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alecansky74
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posted on 6-18-2013 at 06:28 AM Edit Post Reply With Quote
Mother censored





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posted on 6-18-2013 at 06:30 AM Edit Post Reply With Quote
censored him, censored that and his censored settings





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posted on 6-18-2013 at 06:59 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
:lol:
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